A small backstory: I utilised to smoke excessively, in spite of it causing me what my psychiatrist known as “borderline-schizophrenic paranoia,” simply because I wanted to be scared into acting on my suicidal urges. I attempted suicide as a outcome from the paranoia, and then took a quite extended break from all substance use (MJ, alcohol, and otherwise.)

TLDR extreme paranoia about the nature of God and death when I am higher that causes me to grow to be stricken with paralyzing worry, and I would like to know other people’s experiences and hear suggestions any person may perhaps have to observe the thoughts as an outsider, rather than letting them consume me, considering that I take pleasure in the introspection. I have stopped smoking weed frequently, and it is quite uncommon that I do any longer, so it no longer consumes me to the point that I grow to be a danger to myself or other folks. I am no longer actively suicidal.

So, smoking weed was truly enjoyable when I began. But soon after the very first couple of instances, it became quite scary (and from there it in no way stopped becoming scary.) I would assume about demons and death and all the unknowns in the universe. Even soon after taking a extended break, when I began once more, I got so paranoid I had to lie face down on the floor for a bit. The weird issue is that, even even though I’ve come to accept this will occur each time I smoke, I nonetheless do it. Granted, I am nowhere close to becoming an daily smoker like I utilised to be– it is truly as soon as each couple of months– and I assume this is assisting to not make me crazy adequate to exactly where I would try suicide once more simply because of it. I’ve gained manage more than the want to smoke all the time, as I have quite critical issues I am functioning on in my life that take precedent and give me objective.

My finest pal is a excellent particular person to smoke with, simply because he appears to want to aid me figure out why this is. Fundamentally, each time I get higher, something I do (writing, drawing, watching shows or music videos) tends to make me assume about death. And as a person who accepts the inevitability of death, I also have an innate worry of it now that utilised to just not be there. When I am higher, the two opposing sides look to get started speaking with a single an additional. I can relate something I see or knowledge when higher back to death. We have been watching Steven Universe (a little ones show on Cartoon Network, if you do not know about it) final evening, and I was in a position to make a philosophical argument for all the things taking place in the show and how it relates to death in some way.

I’ve noticed passing comments (typically accompanied by a larger, far more optimistic study on the effects of having higher) saying that excessive marijuana use can trigger psychosis in chemically imbalanced people today, and I guess I am just wishing there was far more data about it. I really feel crazy that no a single else in my pal group appears to have ever seasoned this level of paranoia (they typically get anxious more than perform or having caught, for instance,) and when I attempt to clarify my thoughts, it almost certainly tends to make me appear insane. But it is quite actual to me, but I hold having curious and wanting to smoke once more, even even though I know it will terrify me for a small when (my pal mentioned that perhaps I am a “thrill-seeker.”) A significant theme with my paranoia is generally some thing like the Illuminati, but it is not necessarily excellent or evil it is just realizing there is some thing larger functioning inside our planet that we do not truly see unless we spend interest, and when I am higher and truly in my subconscious thoughts, I am a lot far more susceptible to the messages I am perceiving as becoming there, and feeling like it is a quite scary issue. Possibly just truly pondering the nature of “God” and becoming scared of the thought simply because I will in no way genuinely know till I die.

Has any person ever seasoned something like this? Intense paranoia (not just anxiousness, but literal paranoia more than the issues you are perceiving that are not “physically” there) and if so, how could I accept that it is taking place so that I do not get scared to the point exactly where I do not want to discover the thoughts behind the paranoia any longer, rather, I just accept them as becoming there and observe from the outdoors? I truly take pleasure in the introspection that becoming higher grants me access to, I just have problems feeling like issues are a small as well actual.

Would also like to hear about any person else’s experiences that are comparable in nature!